My soul yearns to have the confidence that I once had. I used to live by my personal motto:
It wasn’t until I wrote this post that I realized I had forgotten this. I felt like a walking contradiction.
On one hand, I was extremely shy when dealing with personal talents, where I could thrive in front of people, public speaking, self-promotion, and singing. I didn’t. I shied away from any of the opportunities.
On the other, I felt I could conquer the world and get anywhere I wanted to. I would do things that my friends never thought of… like asking to get into a club for free (which I always did) and sending resumes to local law firms for a job that they didn’t know they had (landing a job for $15/hr while going to school full-time).
But here I sit, almost 20 (gulp!) years later and I freeze. Ask me to pitch a company, excuses fall out of my mouth. Ask me to post my blog in a new space, what if they don’t want it there? Ask me to MC, well, that’s still the same.
Here I am, in front of a new place in my life, and I’m too afraid to take that step, and in some places those leaps to get me to my next goal.
A series of questions run through my head:
- What if they don’t like me?
- What if I stumble over the words?
- What if my words upset someone?
- What if I make a mistake? Like, misuse a word?
- What if I am dry?
- What if they fall asleep while I’m trying to talk?
- What if they talk while I’m trying to talk?
…and on and on.
But where does any of that get me? Living the exact life that I have. Not that it’s a bad life, but it’s not the one I dreamed of.
In my quest to fight this desire to crawl into a ball, I’ve started reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. She was an introvert who only appeared through her words, her stories, her imagination. She didn’t show up and always said “no”. Until one year…
I want to say that I have her commitment, her competitive spirit to turn every “no” into a “yes”, but I sure as hell going to try.