Normally, I don’t write a letter to my younger self or consider thinking about “what if” or “regret” posts. Rarely do I feel like the grass is greener. Often, I feel like the other side of the fence is a landfill avalanche, ready to suck you down with all of the bits of crap that’s been tossed inside.
Of course, that’s not always the case and it’s apparent that I’m not an optimist. Yet tonight, I feel like I should write a little note to a previous, younger version of myself.
Dear Law School April,
I’m so proud of you. You are accomplishing your “dream”, working that law school degree. You’ve taken the time to care about those around you, and even though they don’t say “Thank You” or show their appreciation, you’re doing the right thing. This can’t happen any other way, your heart isn’t ready to break quite yet.
As you push forward in your degree, you’ll become increasingly sad and distant, trying to find purpose. The lack of appreciation will wear on your spirit, your soul. You’ll join every organization that appeals to you, and when none of them are fulfilling, you’ll start your own. You’ll grow it to the point where the next class jumps in and brings it to a level you never imagined.
You should feel proud. You should feel grateful. You should feel happy.
You don’t. You won’t.
Everything will change when you meet this man. You will inadvertently find him online. He becomes a safe place to talk, letting him know your secret desires and passions, your fears and your anxieties. Even though most will take place on the impersonal computer, you will feel something for him. You will think it’s love. Continue to believe that.
One day, he will no longer be an AIM name and description. One day, he will want to meet you in person. Do it. This man will change your thought on love. A few months later, he will give you a gift that you never thought you wanted.
This gift will change your purpose, given to you 10 months later.
Your son will be the sweetest, kindest, little person you’ll ever meet. Often, he reminds you of a little you, and when he doesn’t, he reminds you of his father.
You will start to question your desire to be a lawyer, but be hesitant to make a move. You’ve invested so much time and money in this venture and you can’t afford to change careers.
I’m writing all of this to tell you that you can’t afford not to. As always, you can be happy being a lawyer, you have been happy in every job you’ve had. But you will miss out on so many things in life.
You’ll miss your son’s first step.
You will miss him reading his first word.
You will miss him laying in your arms at the end of a long day because he’s a great sleeper and already in bed when you get home.
You will flunk the bar exam. But the score will be so close that you think it’s where you were supposed to be. The rational person that you are, you figure with a little more studying you’ll pass, but the second time around, you are commuting four hours a day and working 10-12 hours a day.
I’m here to let you know that it’s ok to give it all up to be a wife and mother. That man, the father of your child, will love you the way no other person on this planet has shown you love. He will love you through your good decisions and your bad, and he will not fault you for your mistakes.
He will question your choices, but just so that you will think about it.
For once, your desire to put others first will not only be accepted, but appreciated. Your husband will push you to be better, love yourself more and be a better you. Your son will love you unconditionally despite all of your faults. All of this will lead you to have a family of five.
I’m telling you that you don’t have to wait to do you. There’s something in your heart that you want to pursue, but you are too busy being afraid that it’s not the rationale and responsible decision. He won’t care and neither should you.
Focus, love and become the woman you have always dreamed to be. Start when your son is conceived, don’t let the surprise of his arrival sideline you.
Your future self
This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. This week’s sentence, brought to you by Michelle of Crumpets and Bollocks is “Dear Me…”
Hosts: Me (Kristi of Finding Ninee)
and Michelle -above- Crumpets and Bollocks.