All Mixed Up

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, I haven’t written a personal piece in a while. So many life changes have been happening and I was struggling to figure out how to continue.

Quite frankly, I was trying to figure out whether I would continue this venture, this blog.

I haven’t known what to say here for a long time. I don’t like controversy. Although I love my kids, I don’t particularly like spending a lot of time talking about them.

Then there’s work. I consider myself a “jill of all trades”. I know a little about a lot of things. Enough to make an income with any of them. If I took some time, I could make a substantial income from several of them.

I just don’t.

Why?

Because I don’t want to dive into something that I can’t be “known for” in the future.

I really want to create a legacy, a life for me and my children. Not just a job for now.

I’m lucky and blessed. I have a husband who’s willing to support any option I choose.

And you would think that means it would be easy. But for the first time, I truly have a choice.

I’ve worked since I was twelve, paid household bills since 16, paid for multiple adults until I was 28 (until I got married).

Do you know how much pressure that is? The pressure of thinking that if you don’t make enough money, you’ll have a household of adults living off of you?

Most people don’t. Most people don’t understand. Truthfully, most of the people that I assisted were in pure denial that I did anything for them.

Truthfully, most of the people that I assisted were in pure denial that I did anything for them.

All Mixed Up | AprilNoelle.comThat hurt the most. I spent years sacrificing. I’m not saying I needed a pat on the back or accolades, but a pure denial sent me in a whirlwind of depression.

Now that I truly have a choice, it’s like seeing the world for what it is for the first time. I don’t have to conform to what others think I should do. I don’t have to think about making a certain income or how many hours I work.

And I don’t want to talk about any of this. I don’t want to think about any of this. There is a sort of safety and comfort in doing what others expect, especially when you know you can attain THEIR goals.

I feel like I’m falling off a cliff trying to think about what I really want, what goals I really want to set and what I want to do to get there.

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6 thoughts on “All Mixed Up”

  1. People being in denial of you helping them must still weigh heavily – that’s hard. I’m glad you have a loving and supportive husband who is there with you while you figure out what exactly your legacy will be. In my opinion, you’ve already got an impressive one with this blog. I look forward to learning about what else you decide to do and hope that you can figure it out without too much anxiety – I drive myself crazy with all of the what-if’s regarding working and life… xo

  2. This post makes me want to give you a hug and ask you to tell me more about it–all of it–over a meal. But I will just say–it will all come together. It will.

  3. Oh, April, what a wonderful post. I totally get that feeling of falling off a cliff, knowing you’re on the edge of something wonderful, but terrified to step off. It will – as Hillary already said – fall into place. I promise.

  4. Isn’t it amazing how we long for freedom of choice, and then when we finally have that we feel panicked and lost for awhile? We have no idea how to deal with the freedom to choose, we don’t even know for sure what it is we want. But I promise you it will come in time. Listen to your heart and follow up on what you really love and enjoy!

    J’s Journal: Betrayal

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