The mirror sits idly in the bathroom taunting me, mocking me. I want to look, I want to see myself, my whole self, but often I can’t bare to look.
What I should see is the woman who graduated near the top of her high school class, to attend an awesome first tier school, to attend a great first tier law school.
What I should see is the woman who found out she was pregnant before her third year of law school, finished law school anyway, then lost my second son a couple years later and didn’t die completely inside.
What I should see is the woman who managed to work multiple jobs throughout most of this time, while managing to stay in school, never skipping a beat.
What I should see is the woman who married her love, gave birth to two more children, both beautiful daughters, and have three happy and healthy children.
What I should see is the woman who has almost made it a decade under her belt as a wife when people are getting married and divorced every day, and has a husband who cares enough about the relationship that he wants to work on it.
What I should see is the beautiful, intelligent woman that people always tell me that I am, and stand in my strengths and positivity.
Instead, when I look in the mirror…
I see a woman who could’ve gone to better schools, worked harder and achieved more by this point in her life.
I see a woman who didn’t pass the bar, thus barely has an income to pay back the mounting debt.
I see a woman who wasn’t smart enough to save or invest appropriately, so all of that extra work meant nothing.
I see a woman who’s body was stretched and deflated, leaving scars, streaks and loose skin, which can only be repaired by intensive surgery and treatments.
I see a woman who’s not good enough for her husband, one who’s undeserving of his love, no matter what she does.
I see a woman who’s inadequate, who goes through bouts of depression and struggles with feeling overwhelmed.
So I don’t look in the mirror…
I avoid it like the plague.
Catching a glimpse is hard, because it doesn’t reflect the picture of myself that I’ve been holding on to in my head. It’s a hard look of who I am today.
The look of all that I have been through and all that I know I can be.
The look of the shortfalls and the possibilities.
The look of the good and the bad.
The look of unfulfilled potential.
But I know it’s there…
Every day, I take steps because I know there’s more.
I know I’m a writer.
I know I’m an author.
I know that I’m a mother.
I know that I’m a wife.
The mirror is always there…
Showing the truth.
The truth is that I’m an ever-evolving, growing woman, who is learning to be a better me every day.
What do you see in the mirror?