Dear Alexander

Dear Alexander,

Last year flew by, I completely missed your birthday and spent days in a funk because I couldn’t believe that there was a time that I didn’t have you on my mind. Not thinking about you, your birth, your life made me feel terrible. How could I miss it?

This year, you’ve been on my mind for weeks. As we prepare for summer, I’m thinking about what you might have liked to do, what your interests would be and whether you’d fit in seamlessly or would you be a bit more moody, like me?

On Saturday, we went to the pool for the first time this year. Butterfly sat comfortably in her inner tube, Bee loved the freedom of jumping in the water with her floaters and Bunny, well he was in swimming heaven, playing with both sisters and swimming on his own. I kept trying to imagine where you would be… would you be a swimmer? The doctors said you’d probably never be an athlete, but would you be able to swim? Would the pool be a place that was safe for you or would we be worrying about germs? The doctors never mentioned that you wouldn’t be able to do normal activities, just that you’d be limited, sometimes severely by your heart condition.

Dear Alexander

Would you be reading at the side of the pool or spraying your siblings with water guns? Would you just lay quietly in the lounge chairs and take a nap? Would you hit up the hot tub, dangling your feet over the side because it’s way too hot to actually get in?

Would you feel that showers should be just shy of scalding (like me) or an ice bath (like dad)? Would you like baths or showers more? Would you care?

Would you get along with your sisters as much as your brother does and love to play with them whenever he gets a chance or stay solitary?

Would you like what I cook or would you opt for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day, like Bee?

Would you be a climber, like Butterfly?

Would you be an artist, like Bunny?

All of these questions have been running through my head non-stop, in every family situation. As Butterfly ages, I can see your face in hers. I can see your eyes in hers. And I wonder…

Who you would be?

Eight years have passed and I still miss you.

Happy Birthday!

With unfailing love,

Mom

29 thoughts on “Dear Alexander”

  1. This is beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes. I have been so emotional since last week when I found out about the death of my cousin. I had just seen him the day before. Although we weren’t very close, his death has really affected me. I’ve been thinking so much about how precious and limited life is. I feel that I am not living my life right now. Just working, and working. I enjoy my blog and I enjoy tutoring. But I feel that there is more that I can be doing to enjoy my life. I get sad sometimes because I’m still single and do not have that special person to share my life with. But for now, I’ll try to share it with my godson and show him the best life possible. Thank you for this post, April.

    1. He changed my view on life. After his death, I was lost, for a long while. When we moved, I felt a fresh awakening to live life. I started volunteering and really finding a passion, which I didn’t have before. I’m writing more (offline more than online) and starting a couple of non-profits. At the end of it all, all we have to look back on is how we felt and how we made others feel. Do what your heart wants a little.

  2. My sister in law lost her son a few years ago.. his birthday and anniversary is coming up. It’s is hard for her and it’s something that no one can understand unless you have walked in a parent’s of an angel’s shoes.

  3. This has brought huge tears to my eyes. It is a beautiful letter to an amazing little boy in heaven. My thoughts are with you now and during every memory you have.

  4. What a beautiful post! I love how you wrote it, and I must say it a wonderful sweet way to cope. I hope it helps in a way, it was beautiful

  5. Such a beautiful letter. I lost my husband 11 years ago and I still see him in my son. It so amazing how God takes care of us even in tragedies

  6. Ann Bacciaglia

    This is such a beautiful letter. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband almost four years ago and it is still a struggle everyday.

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