Dear Alexander

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Dear Alexander

Dear Alexander,

Last year flew by, I completely missed your birthday and spent days in a funk because I couldn’t believe that there was a time that I didn’t have you on my mind. Not thinking about you, your birth, your life made me feel terrible. How could I miss it?

This year, you’ve been on my mind for weeks. As we prepare for summer, I’m thinking about what you might have liked to do, what your interests would be and whether you’d fit in seamlessly or would you be a bit more moody, like me?

On Saturday, we went to the pool for the first time this year. Butterfly sat comfortably in her inner tube, Bee loved the freedom of jumping in the water with her floaters and Bunny, well he was in swimming heaven, playing with both sisters and swimming on his own. I kept trying to imagine where you would be… would you be a swimmer? The doctors said you’d probably never be an athlete, but would you be able to swim? Would the pool be a place that was safe for you or would we be worrying about germs? The doctors never mentioned that you wouldn’t be able to do normal activities, just that you’d be limited, sometimes severely by your heart condition.

Dear Alexander

Would you be reading at the side of the pool or spraying your siblings with water guns? Would you just lay quietly in the lounge chairs and take a nap? Would you hit up the hot tub, dangling your feet over the side because it’s way too hot to actually get in?

Would you feel that showers should be just shy of scalding (like me) or an ice bath (like dad)? Would you like baths or showers more? Would you care?

Would you get along with your sisters as much as your brother does and love to play with them whenever he gets a chance or stay solitary?

Would you like what I cook or would you opt for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day, like Bee?

Would you be a climber, like Butterfly?

Would you be an artist, like Bunny?

All of these questions have been running through my head non-stop, in every family situation. As Butterfly ages, I can see your face in hers. I can see your eyes in hers. And I wonder…

Who you would be?

Eight years have passed and I still miss you.

Happy Birthday!

With unfailing love,

Mom

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