The Last Three Beeps

I wonder if I can ever hear that sound again and not have tears rush from my eyes like Niagara Falls.

Beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… Those last three beeps.

Last night, I was watching Grey’s Anatomy. SPOILER ALERT. 

Honestly, I wasn’t watching Grey’s Anatomy, I was watching something else On Demand. That show ended five minutes before 9 and I figured that I would just watch ABC until Scandal came on.

When I turned the channel, I never thought those last few minutes would have such a profound effect.

The last few minutes of Grey’s were the last few of Derek Shepherd’s life. All that resonated with me was the machine. Beep, beep, beep, beep…

The nurse was saying something about having to pull the plug and Meredith was telling her to wait.

Until she was ready.

Then she was, but she wasn’t. You never are.

The sound immediately took back to July 24, 2007.

I walked into the pediatrics intensive care unit to see my son alive for the last time. He had been improving since our last visit and I was so happy to see him again. I said “Hi, baby” and I heard that sound.

Beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

That was it. That was all.

I wonder if I can ever hear that sound again and not have tears rush from my eyes like Niagara Falls.

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29 thoughts on “The Last Three Beeps”

  1. Aw, April I know what you mean about that sound. For me it wasn’t my child, but my grandfather, as I was there when he took his last breath and the machines in his hospital room did the exact thing you described. Still to this day that sound gets me overtime, too. Hugs my friend.

  2. I have never heard those sounds in real life…only on TV. I can’t imagine how the sound replicated on TV must get to you. Hugs to you.

  3. Robin Rue (@massholemommy)

    I have never heard that sound in real life, and I hope I never do. I am so sorry for your loss.

  4. I know about sounds that can bring tears to your eyes and you to your knees. So sorry you lost your son. No parent should have to go through this.

  5. My heart and soul cries for you, with you (((( hugs )))) those horrid beeps, triggering off such a profound sense of loss for your sweet baby, once more. Sending you much love xx

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. It would be hard to watch those kind of shows and not be reminded of what you went threw. I was shocked when they killed Derek off. I am betting Meredith is going to be pregnant now.

  7. While I was with my dad when he passed away at home, I have never heard those beeps. I hope I never have to either. I am so sorry for your loss!

  8. I am very sorry for your loss. It has to be very tough to relive those painful emotions and feelings when you view shows or movies with a similar background.

  9. Oh… honey. I get it. My mom watched the episode and she was so distraught over it. She wondered aloud, “Why am I so upset about a TV show?” And I reminded her that she was once Meredith – that my father passed away suddenly, leaving her alone with two kids. Just like in the show.
    Big virtual hugs to you. Hospital noises forever haunt me.

  10. I am so sorry for your loss. I do have come across the same in 2008, while I lost my first angel. Small things can trigger our memories easily. My prayers are always with you.

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