Where do I even begin with this week’s prompt?
“I wasn’t really myself when…”
Honestly, I can’t remember when I was myself. I mean, I was one person in high school, another in college, another in law school, and I’ve been several people as a parent.
I know which one that I liked the most… and I know which person that I liked the least. But to answer the prompt the clearest, I guess I’ll go with the time that I got jealous.
I can’t really say why I was jealous. I had never been jealous before and certainly had never been jealous since.
I was seeing this guy. Dating is too strong of a word. I had just gotten out of a relationship with someone else and wasn’t really quite ready to get into another one. Since we weren’t a “couple”, we talked some about what we wanted in our future partners (implying that it wasn’t each other). He was fairly detailed in the description of his dream woman… and since he was a man, it included a physical description. I didn’t quite fit the bill, but to each his own right?
I had to take some time away from him because of some personal issues, and when I came back around, he had started dating someone else… like really dating. It had only been a couple of weeks, and I was startled. Not only that, she was the exact opposite description of what he told me that he wanted, including physicality and attitude.
Oh, I hated her. I couldn’t tell you why. She was a nice girl. I couldn’t stand to be around her, be near her, anything. I never said anything, but my facial expressions and body language said it all. I tried to be nice, but for some reason, it never worked.
I definitely wasn’t myself.
I couldn’t believe it. Now reflecting on it, I think I saw her as my inadequacies. See, I was never what he described, but it was apparent that he was willing to look beyond the “perfection” of what he wanted in order to be happy. And I was so into being “not perfect” that I never put myself out there for him to choose me. And I had liked him…. I might have even loved him. Since I hadn’t even considered that I would be the one for him, I had let myself down ~ and that’s the part that hurt. It was the first time I realized that I didn’t have the confidence that I thought I did… I was just plain old me, and that plain old me didn’t think I was good enough to get him.
I can’t tell you whether my thinking was wrong or right, I’ve never talked to him about this and I will never know.
When weren’t you yourself?